Whew. That was real. I can breathe, relax, smoke a little jay if I want to…
This time. This year. These past two years. My life, up until quite recently has been steady. Or I should say I was grabbing on to things to hold steady. I made it my mission to obsessively control the things I could and attempt to control the things I could not. Hey listen, don’t get me wrong, I am quite free-spirited up until a certain point. Once I get to a place where I am feeling the instabilities and vagueness takeover the security, I panic. I throw everything into the air and just implode.
This implosion manifests in many forms: ingesting copious amounts of hallucinogenic substances to dull my senses, eating food that my body rejects in within hours (or the next day), aggressively isolating myself from loved ones, constantly questioning the movements of those around me... and the list of horrible coping mechanisms goes on.
When I could not control the external forces coming to threaten my peace, I hyper-controlled the things I could. This has led me to lose out on a lot of good relationships and opportunities. It is hard to express but it is the truth! I am only human and what I have experienced will not be the last of those situations. In fact, I am sure the universe is just teeming with happenings and occurrences that will continue to threaten my idea of control.
That is the thing, I believe the human approach to peace and control are two completely separate things. I think people will not agree with this and I would love to hear their perspectives, but until then, listen to mine.
1. Peace is what you have wherever you are, no matter what situation you are presented or thrusted into.
2. Control is the thing you stretch and contort yourself to have despite what situation you are presented or thrusted into.
It seems like the control sounds a bit more negative than peace. To me, that’s not the case. Peace is sustainable and also replenishing, while control can be necessary in the immediate, and at times requires an increased amount of energy. That is the point I had been missing. Control is not a bad thing. In fact, control can be a direct pathway to peace. However, the control must be met with the notion of relinquishment. That while I have control over this certain thing, aspect or person right now, I at some point may have to relinquish this control and I have to be ok with that.
You might be thinking 'I do not have to or even want to be ok with anything', but I beg of you, for your own peace, please be ok with that.